Monday, January 02, 2006


I'm watching the Tostitos And Other Corn-Based Products, Blessed Be Their Name Bowl, featuring the football-playing half of The Womb and Ohio State. The last time these teams met, I was a freshman, and Ohio State won 295720572053810604 to 3. That was when I was young and new to the ways of sports-related pain.

It's halftime, and the highlight of the entire game so far consisted of the following moment:

(Referee blows the whistle, stopping play for no apparent reason)

COMMENTATOR #1: It's ANOTHER PENALTY. That is so sloppy and unforgivable. I don't believe this. You don't commit penalties at this level! Incompetence, bah!

COMMENTATOR #2: You guys, I'm totally going to marry Troy Smith when I grow up.

REFEREE: Will the broadcast network please keep the camera off the field. The camera encroached on the field and we were forced to stop play.


COMMENTATORS: Here is a closeup of Brady Quinn 's sister and her ho-tastic sunglasses.

I am quite the connoisseur of university football halftime ad. Ohio State's featured students who were all, "I don't go to Ohio State for the football! Or the basketball! It's all about the access to illegal recreational drugs!" while Notre Dame's, more authoritative but no less subtle, featured new University president Fr. John Jenkins announcing, "Proceeds from today's game will go to helping these assorted minority Notre Dame students, outfitting our new science hall, renovation of library facilities, and certainly not the plush 12-foot deep rug handwoven by virgins from the first wool of newborn rams currently carpeting the football locker room."

I have also just been treated to perhaps the World's First Sponsored Proposal. A solider returning from Iraq popped the question to his girlfriend at halftime, and she freaked and trembled and said yes, and everybody went awwwwwww! and then the stadium announcer was all: "We'd like to thank Tostitos Scoops for making this moment possible." Perhaps Funyons will option the rehearsal dinner, for every girl dreams of a snack-chip themed wedding.

I want a Cheez-It honeymoon at:


Anonymous said...

I'm glad to see that I wasn't the only person feeling as though the OSU/ND commentators might have a thing for Troy Smith.

Anonymous said...

Yes, and that thing is called "fellatio."

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