I know I'm the only person in the known universe voicing this, but... please, can we stop Faith Hill? As of 1997?

Faith is a spit of musical froth; listening to her is like having not eaten in five weeks and having someone shoot an entire can of whipped cream down your throat. Her country songs sound like pop, which means they are not country in the first place. Note to Faith: Most actual cowboys did not roam the range with their horses and their guitars and their electronic voice synthesizers. When you're singing about pickup trucks and your voice comes out like Cher in "Believe"? It's time to stop.

I would yank Hank Williams out of the grave to listen to this if he hadn't whirred himself to the surface already the first second Shania "Man! I Feel Like a Hooker!" Twain stepped up to a microphone with her push-up bra and her amazing note-and-a-half vocal range. But Shania, at least, has no pretensions to usefulness. The latest agonization from her--the song is called "Shoes," people, as in the footwear-- consists of the following lyric: "Men are like shoes/Made to confuse." Yes, I open the closet in the morning and I cry... what are these things, and how do they go on my feet? They... they were just made to confuse!!

Thank you, Shania. Thank you for shaming my ovaries once again.

Now we have Faith, who's a Mississippi Girl! Who just don't change! No, Mississippi girls are humble and modest and down-home! So much so that they release major industry label-backed singles about just how awesomely humble they are!

Song: Mississippi Girl