Sunday, November 06, 2005

Shut Up, Faith Hill

I know I'm the only person in the known universe voicing this, but... please, can we stop Faith Hill? As of 1997?

Faith is a spit of musical froth; listening to her is like having not eaten in five weeks and having someone shoot an entire can of whipped cream down your throat. Her country songs sound like pop, which means they are not country in the first place. Note to Faith: Most actual cowboys did not roam the range with their horses and their guitars and their electronic voice synthesizers. When you're singing about pickup trucks and your voice comes out like Cher in "Believe"? It's time to stop.

I would yank Hank Williams out of the grave to listen to this if he hadn't whirred himself to the surface already the first second Shania "Man! I Feel Like a Hooker!" Twain stepped up to a microphone with her push-up bra and her amazing note-and-a-half vocal range. But Shania, at least, has no pretensions to usefulness. The latest agonization from her--the song is called "Shoes," people, as in the footwear-- consists of the following lyric: "Men are like shoes/Made to confuse." Yes, I open the closet in the morning and I cry... what are these things, and how do they go on my feet? They... they were just made to confuse!!

Thank you, Shania. Thank you for shaming my ovaries once again.

Now we have Faith, who's a Mississippi Girl! Who just don't change! No, Mississippi girls are humble and modest and down-home! So much so that they release major industry label-backed singles about just how awesomely humble they are!

Song: Mississippi Girl

Lyrics:

Yeah

...No.

Well, it's a long way from Star, Mississippi

Not far enough.

To the big stage I'm singing on tonight
And sometimes the butterflies still get me

Attack butterflies? With frickin' laser beams attached to their heads? Sweet.

When I'm in the spotlight

Oh.

And some people seem to think that I've changed
That I'm different than I was back then
But in my soul, I know that I'm the same way
That I've really always been

Except for the mansion, the nanny, the superstar stubbly husband, the posh RV, the publicist, the makup artist, the photo shoots, the hairdresser, the chef, and the bazillion dollar per-concert-ticket take. Other than that? Biloxi Saturday night.

CHORUS:
'Cause a Mississippi girl don't change her ways
Just 'cause everybody knows her name
Ain't big headed from a little bit of fame

Noooooooo! Not at allllllllllll!

Her hair, however, continues to expand with each new issue.

I still like wearing my old ball cap

You hear that, squirrels and bunnies? She wears an old ball cap! And she likes it! One of us! One of us!

Ridin' my kids around piggy back

...Yeah.

They may know me all around the world
But, y'all, I'm still a Mississippi girl

As denoted by the "y'all."

Whoo!

Indeed.

Well, I spent a few weeks in California
They put my face on the big movie screen
But that don't mean I've forgotten where I came from
That's just me chasing dreams

And this is just me snorting my cherry 7-UP all over the keyboard. Seriously. Why bring it up at all? Is the next lyric about having Bobby Redford and Oprah over for martinis and a greased pig catch? Y'all!


Oh,oh
Mississippi girl!
Mississippi girl!
yeah, yeah, oh
oh oh oh oh oh
Mississippi girl!

I... can't top this. I stand before you verbally vanquished. You've convinced me, Faith, yeah, yeah, oh!

Cincinnati girls don't change their ways, except of course when the cops show up at: mb@blondechampagne.com

1 comment:

Craig said...

"Ridin' my kids around piggy back"?

That suggests to me that she's forcing her kids to carry her around. That's the ultimate sign of a spoiled celebrity.

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