Thursday, October 13, 2005

I Told You I'd Come Back To It

Right then. The car.

Part I

Part II

Now Merritt Island boasts the only space shuttle launchpads on the face of the earth, but somehow mustering a properly functioning used car dealership is beyond it. When I rolled into Toyotaworld with the Bellemobile and Josh the Pilot, we were greeted by our salesman, who was eagerly anticipating his eleventh birthday. His name was Rodger. Like, with a “d.” And I’m no MBA, but it seems to me that when attempting to close a car sale, one should avoid the following:

1. Wear a nametag announcing yourself as, quote, “Rodger.”

2. Stand in the middle of a Toyota dealership talking about how awesome your Dodge Neon is.

3. Carefully listen to the potential customer specify that she wants to trade her Corolla as a down payment for another Corolla, then lead her to a tan four-door sedan, referring to it as a Corolla, and then, when the potential customer points out that this car is in fact a Camry, say, “Oh, wait, the Corolla’s over there. They’re the same color. I get confused when they’re the same color.”

4. Proudly reveal that your middle name is Elwood. Discuss in detail how you are seriously considering tattooing this on your knuckles.

5. Make the potential customer aware that you find her extremely old. Use the following tactics: Ask for her driver’s license prior to a test drive and announce, “1977? I thought you were older than me, but I didn’t think you were that old.”

6. After the customer has announced in no uncertain terms that she does not wish to buy a car that has any post-factory modifications, offer a test drive in a used ’01 Corolla S that has been severely pimped, to the extent one can pimp out a Corolla. Make sure the windows are smoked so that her students cannot see her reloading her Glock, and when she mentions that the CD player in the dash seems oddly placed, announce that this is because it was added in a post-factory modification.

7. When, during a test drive, if the potential customer begins to apply the brakes in central Florida and the car does not actually begin to roll to a stop until it has crossed the state border of Maryland, and she asks if any damage has been done to the brakes, say, “Why?”

8. Offer the potential customer a grand total of $1500 on a 1997 Corolla trade-in which works perfectly well, if one doesn’t mind a little car pee.

9. Wonder why she immediately stands to leave.

still apologizing to the Bellemobile for exposing her to Rodger at: mb@blondechampagne.com

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