Cartilage

It seems I have torn my left meniscus, which is a part of the knee and not some form of breakfast food as I previously thought.

People injure their meniscuses (meniscii? It’s one in the morning. Not caring) for one of these two reasons:

1) they are very very old

2) they are very very active athletes

I am closer to Number One, if you want to know the truth, considering that the freshmen I am teaching were born in 1987 and would look at me with great pity if I asked them to take out their TrapperKeepers.

But most twenty-eight year olds do not sustain the injury unless they are highly athletic, which... yeah. The doctor thinks it came about when I started teaching and began wearing big-girl high heels and standing for a long time, which is awesome, because now I can claim a bona fide athletic injury that was in reality sustained while leaning against a podium, speaking earnestly about comma splices. I await the call from Nike with quiet confidence.

I’m enjoying this, frankly, since the pain comes and goes, enabling me to suddenly wince in a most footbally fashion and grab for a bag of ice, saying, “Oh, man, the knee.” The downfall is that I can be engaged in moderate activities that I undertake every day—climbing steps, rising from a chair, running from a hoard of feral zebras—and suddenly the knee will buckle.

This is especially impressive if I happen to be lecturing at the time. Last month I turned from the chalkboard all, “And as you can see, the thesis st---aaaaauuuuuuuggghhhhhhh” and it was probably the most interesting thing I said all semester.

I also seem to have trouble remembering the name of the injury. Here is how I have referred to my meniscus since the diagnosis:

-metacarpal
-Metamucil
-manalope
-marsupial

It is worth it to concentrate just enough to get it right. You can’t pick up guys in bars by informing them that you have just torn your koala bear.

will also advertise for Qantas at: mb@blondechampagne.com