Saturday, March 05, 2005

Cubic Zirconia In the Crystal Ball

I’ve long avoided having a psychic consultation. For one thing, the Church kind of frowns on them.

“All forms of divination are to be rejected,” states the Catechism. "Recourse to mediums all conceal a desire for power over time, history, and other human beings…They contradict the honor, respect, and loving fear that we owe to God alone.”

Also, I feared that I would be told, “You know that whole rich famous writer thing? Totally not happening. Enjoy the drive-thru window.”

Last year curiosity got the better of me, although I feared I might need a second opinion. So I got fourteen of them.

I gave each reader the name of a romantic interest and a male business contact, then asked how my career would shake out.

This is what I learned:

* The romantic interest is my soulmate.
* The business contact is my soulmate.
* I am going to travel this year.
* And meet new people!
* I need to cleanse an ex-boyfriend from my aura.

I must say that some of this was completely accurate, given that I travel and encounter new people every time I drive to Wal-Mart for toilet paper. It was a fairly safe thing to prophesy, as I have yet to hear of a psychic to look a person in the eye and tell him, “You’re going to sit on your ass this year, meet absolutely no one, and go broke.”

One told me that the Virgin Mary was “aligning (me) and (a) beautiful male together.” I was thrilled that Mary, who clearly has nothing better to do with her time, had elevated my dating life to an Catholic version of The Bachelorette, picking and choosing amongst the hotties.

Then again, there was the psychic who had to cancel our reading because she had “unexpected visitors from out of town.” Um. Couldn’t she have… I don't know... forseen this?

So on my birthday, I collected a raftload of for-the-year predicitons, which as you can imagine are the Most. Accurate. Things. Ever.

The following is from

This year will be ruled by number 6

Awwwww yeah! Six! I love six! I can’t tell you how relived I am I didn’t get hooked up with nine, who I hear has a drinking problem and schedules essay due dates for the day after spring break.

You are generous, practical, cooperative, accommodating and a broad-minded person.

As evidenced by posts such as this.

You have a large social circle and many acquaintances,

“Large” in this sense meaning “consisting of the squashed egret outside my apartment, the Walgreen’s prescription hotline lady, and the voices in my head.”

but you like to share your personal life with only few. You are highly sincere to your friends,

“Those pants so totally don’t make you look like you’re smuggling a roll of Bounty towels in the rear, Amy, and in case I haven’t mentioned it, I sincerely hope I can hang out with your boyfriend on a daily basis, because I cannot imagine my life without listening to fourteen-minute screeds about stem cell research while trying to eat macaroni and cheese.”

but you need to control your tendency to behave moody, dominating and jealous at times.

I AM NOT MOODY. Shut yo’ mouth or I shut it for you.

Career - Support from your partners and colleagues, would boost your morale and confidence.

Proper use of commas, would cause me not to vomit.

Finance - This coming year sees new ventures and plans materializing to your benefit.

Well, that’s good. I bask in the relief that the $288 kit I ordered that will teach to make millions by investing in real estate at absolutely no cost to myself will at last pay for itself.

Your income would be from more than one source.

Cool, table dancing and streetwalking.

You would enter new partnerships.

...thanks to my new pimp!

Romance - Family members would be understanding to your concern and extremely helpful.

This one is totally spot-on. I was talking to Jim The Baby Nephew last week, and I was like, “Jim, I wonder whether or not the complexities and interaction of a healthy long-term relationship are at last addressing my deeply rooted insecurities,” and he was all, “Mwaaaaaaahgah!” and suddenly it all made sense.

Your spouse especially would be a major source of emotional support.

Especially if I, you know, had one.

A distant journey later in the year cannot be ruled out.

Noooooooooo way! How did they know that the apartment complex is moving the dumpster to the other side of the parking lot in September?

The months of May, July, August and November will prove to be highly eventful.

Because of all the…events, apparently.

further illumination to come at:


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