Now It's Just Tink v. the Ohio State Buckeye

Let us reopen the Files of For Some Reason, Things Like This Seem To Happen Only To Me for an update on last month's Groping By Eagle. The Eagle has released the following statement via his spokesman, Ryan Geoffroy:

"I would like to apologize for any traumatic harm The Eagle may have caused you, whether real or imagined.

"As a close personal associate of The Eagle I feel it is my responsibility to keep him in check, and sort of work public affairs issues with issues with him from time to time.

"As such I would like to state that The Eagle has several medical conditions which typically cause problems when we let him loose in public such as poor eyesight, and a rare form of gigantism which severely limits his fine motor skills. I do not believe this rack feeling incident was at all premeditated, and therefore unintended."

Okay. I'm calling off the lawyers, Eagle. But the Jerry Springer appearance still stands.