Signs That Western Civilization Is Deteriorating Even Faster Than Originally Thought

1) Seen on a box of Little Debbie Nutty Bars: “America’s Best-Selling Peanut Butter Wafer”.

Well, that certainly affected my purchase. You hear all the time about how devastatingly cutthroat the peanut butter wafer industry is, and knowing that the suspiciously titled Nutty Bar sits alone atop this great nation of ours? Makes me a better person.

2) Heard on a public service announcement encouraging donations to a tsunami relief fund: “We can create a second tsunami—a tsunami of hope.”

That’s beautiful. I’m a tsunami! You’re a tsunami! “I DONATED $500 TO THE UNITED WAY AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS INCREDIBLY CREEPY SENSE OF HAVING LAID YET ANOTHER TSUMAMI ON THESE PEOPLE.”

3) Seen on a Cingular Wireless mall kiosk:
“Cell phone damaged or having trouble making a call? Simply dial customer service at 611.”

Clearly a marketing tool designed for those of us who feel a need to make major personal telecommunication decisions between Things Remembered and the Manchu Wok. As opposed to me, who set up her Cingular account in the middle of a Wal-Mart.

4) Read on a bottle of Walt Disney World At Home Bubble Bath: “Excessive or prolonged exposure may cause irritation to the urinary tract.”

Well, so does the line for the Flying Dumbos, so… it’s appropriate, really.