Sunday, January 30, 2005

And He Will Raise Me Up

There is a very good reason why I haven’t posted in a week, and it’s because of all the therapy, which is somewhat necessary after being groped by a seven-foot eagle.

Here on the set of For Some Reason, Things Like This Seem To Happen Only To Me, I was hanging out on the bleachers at a college basketball game, which in and of itself violated Newton’s Fifth Law of Sense given that 1) I am no longer in college and 2) as previously discussed, I hate basketball, although--noblesse oblige-- this took place at an aviation school where the humanities department in the bookstore consists entirely of an FAA manual and the novelization of The Wrath of Khan. They need me, if only to introduce adjectives to their world.

So I’m sitting there, distorting the space-time continuum, when all of a sudden I felt this… presence… on my right hand side. There perched the Eagle, the home team mascot. I wasn’t nearly drunk enough to fully appreciate this, but the Eagle was very intimidating, and also possibly carrying nits, and so I said, “Hello, Eagle,” which the Eagle took as an invitation to totally feel me up.

He managed to mask this by slinging a wing around me, then jumping up on the bleachers to dance around so as to further intimidate the opposition, but my rack is an excellent rack, one with a finely tuned radar system, and we know when we’ve been given a full-fledged preflight check.

“He grabbed my rack,” I informed Josh the Pilot as the Eagle clomped off.

Good boyfriends, when informed that their ladies fair have just been molested by a large ornithological avatar, will immediately rectify the situation with a great deal of self-righteous, if not necessarily correctly aimed, shoving and hurling of beer.

This is how Josh the Pilot handled it:

“He has big wings, okay?” he said.

Well... it's not like I didn't learn anything as an English major. So I jumped the Eagle mid-court at halftime and got in some solid roundhouse kicks, and then I beat up the other team’s mascot just in case he was getting any big ideas. There is a reason why my alma mater’s mascot is a gigantic crepe-paper bell. We demand respect.

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