Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Completely Awesome Temp Job Report, Part II

This is an Authorized Businesspeople Convention, officially sanctioned by the Corporatespeak Bullcrap Society of America, as evidenced by the workshop entitled “Thinking Outside the Box”—8:15 AM Monday, top of the schedule. These people are not messing around. They have more clich├ęs thrown into their Powerpoint presentations by 9 AM than most people see all day.

In all, the suckage factor on this assignment is fairly low, if you excuse the $74.50 Twix in the vending machines, but because my highly specialized skills are so desperately needed in the T-shirt distribution booth, I am unable to attend such fascinating conference sessions as the following:

“In this workshop, we will discuss proper construction of group activities concerning rules, officiating, and full participation, which will allow fun to occur.”

Hey! EVerybody DAAAAAAAAAAAAANCE!

Then there’s this one: “Exercise Programming for the Deconditioned Population.” Translation: “Getting Up and Sitting Down For the Terminally Fatassed.”

But this is my favorite-- “The Role of Recreation and Youth Sports in an Era of War and Terrorism: Recreation and youth sports are an important instrument for peace. In this session, you’ll learn how to implement strategies for promoting world peace into your organization and identify existing youth sports organizations that are including strategies for world peace in their programs.”

That’s really tremendous, because there’s not enough pressure on kids in sports already. “DAMMIT, BOBBY, THROW IT TO THIRD!! THE PALISTINIAN-ISRAELI PEACE ACCORDS DEPEND ON IT!”

I also served a tour in the registration booth, where I met Larry the Horrible. All Larry wanted out of life was to know if every person he had ever met in life was in attendance at the conference, none of whom, for obvious reasons, were.

“Is Amy Cassleton here? No? What about Tim Rosdower? Well, he was here last year. Reggie Hamlin? Not him either, huh? Is Bob here? I don’t remember his last name, but he was definitely at the August meeting, and he is a wizard. Can you just read off all the Bobs you have on the screen there? What about the guy who X-rayed my bags at the airport, has he checked in yet?”

Attendance at the convention is off thirty percent from the previous year, 29.999999% of which, I think, we can attribute directly to Larry. Four hurricanes in six weeks? Ain’t got nothin’ to do with it.

My very favorite registration moment came from the World’s Most Prim Asian Woman, who signed in with an email address of “FoxyThunder28,” closely followed by hearing a guest yell down the line, “Hey, look at that guy’s monkey!” And--yep--there was some guy wandering around the lobby, primate slung around his neck like a high-tea accessory. Because, come on, what’s an athletic business supply conference without your monkey in tow?

OK, I’m out of here. Off to play T-ball for the starving children in Ecuador.

checking the Bobs at blondechampagne@hotmail.com

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