Thursday, October 28, 2004

Flipping Flip

Election Fever is increasingly horrible here in The Swamp. As I am about to report in the very near future, early voting was such a positive experience that I actually went home and spewed. That is correct: I can now officially report that this campaign season has made me sick. By Tuesday night I will be throwing up things I ate last Christmas.

It’s all over but the obsessing and the compulsing and the bribing.

The recipient of this honor was Flip, a prosecutor-slash-college friend who calls me up every now and then, which was flattering until I realized that the only other women he talks to are, chiefly, crack whores.

I was devastated when Flip announced his voting intention in the general election, and even though he lives a state in which my favored candidate is up approximately 4000% over his opponent, I was determined to corral that one single solitary vote, so I enumerated several solid reasons to support the this certain program, and defended that specific budget proposal, and also offered to let Flip see me in my underwear for thirty seconds.

This is a completely legitimate offer. There would be no stripping; there would not be dancing or sampling in general; merely a full half-minute of appreciative gazing in exchange for a simple Presidential endorsement. It is a pure and simple business transaction. I have tried, over the past year, to affect this election through such avenues as prayer, financial contributions, and encouraging voter registration. I am utterly appalled that semi-nudity hasn't occurred to me until now.

This concept may be easily applied to the grassroots level. People coming at you with brochures, you’re gonna run. Women doing literature drops in their panties? The world, at minimum, is going to pull over to the side of the road to investigate the situation.

Flip said he would think about it. I should say so.

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