Sunday, August 22, 2004

Olymphysics

The Olympics have confirmed a great many truths I have long held about the universe, among them the fact that Katie Couric is a world-champion asshat.

It’s high time somebody broke it to Katie: You’re not cute. You’re not smart. You’re sure as hell not a competent interviewer. I never watch The Today Show, because I do not wish to start my day by experiencing an upward exit strategy from my breakfast, but my new boyfriend Paul Hamm was to appear, so I took one for the estrogen team and gutted through it. Here’s an actual moment from the transcript: “So, you kind of…growing up, you…with the gymnastics, you just always kind of (voice trailing off)…did it?” I have seen more natural conversations between dictators and hostages.

Also Katie was wearing a brown paisley shirt that was apparently teleported in from 1974 and then thrown up on.

I’m not the only one who feels this way, which makes me have some small flickering of hope for Western civilization. My friend Annie referred to Katie as—and I’m paraphrasing here—“chipmunk cheeked pure evil.” I came very close to declaring this as the Official Quote of the XXVIII Olympiad, but at the moment that honor is held by my friendboy Andy, who, much to his horror, saw an interview with Michael Phelps, who was disturbingly dry, unshorn, and overly enthusiastic about his PlayStation. “He’s so much hotter inside the pool, when he’s not talking,” Andy said. “Shave your eyebrows and shut the f--- up.”

The bronze currently goes to some CNBC commentator, who, as I channel-surfed past the gold-medal round of badminton, said of the winner, “He is the bad boy of badminton.” Does he swagger around at night slamming his shuttlecock into windshields and vacant building windows? Or… you know what, the less I know about this, the better.

Oh, and the beach volleyball players are ho’s and each individual round sets the women’s movement back 27.5 years. Imagine taking part in this crap and then standing before God on Judgment Day: “And how did you objectify yourself and the entirety of the femalekind?”

“I was an Olympic beach volleyball player.”

“Ohhhhhhh, so sorry to hear that. Listen, on your way downstairs, don’t even bother to send in the chick waiting after you. Just hit the trap door for me, will you?”

“Really? What’d she do?”

“Olympic beach volleyball cheerleader.”

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