Wednesday, November 05, 2003

If We All Tell Trista Rehn She's a Heckova Gal, Will She Go Away?

Wasn't her 15 minutes up like four or five presidential administrations ago? She just showed up on the American Country Music Awards. The American Country Music Awards. Because when you think country music, you immediately think "reality show famewhore." Trista, country is where I go to get AWAY from you. Siddown, bitch.

Hate Trista. Hate hate HATE. I honestly--and this is saying a lot, in today's world--have never seen one person get so much attention for doing so little. What has she done? What has this woman done, to warrant an agent and a salary and an entire career of Being Trista? Really glad I submerged myself in that MFA program when I simply could have distributed my wonderful Me-ness throughout America for a living. Where's my Kentucky Fried Chicken endorsement deal? (I have never EVER seen a person out-acted by poultry, but somehow Trista managed.)

When it gets to the point where she's a parody of a caricature of herself and I don't even need to sharpen the Mocking Scalpel because she's done such a good job of it all on her own, I throw up my hands. This happened tonight. She actually introduced Brad Paisley's "Celebrity," which is a song about.... people getting famous for doing nothing. There's a line in there about what a pathetic person you have to be to want to be on a reality show. THE BACHELOR IS MENTIONED. Like, specifically. And there's Trista, standing next to WILLIAM SHATNER, for God's sake, flinging her arm in Brad's direction. This tells me one of two things about Trista:

1) She's too much of a dumbass to know she's being mocked practically by name in a sarcastic country song.

1a) You have to be pretty damn spectacularly mockable to spawn a sarcastic country song. This the same genre that gave the world "Goin' Through the Big D An' Don't Mean Dallas," people.

1b) And if that sailed right over your highlighted head, Trista,


1c) may God have mercy on your soul.

2) She DOES realize that the song is mocking her, but is such a FAMEwhore that she finds this a magnificent opportunity to pimp herself out just a liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitle bit more.

Either way, I'm happy to scan her ticket for the Celebrity Charter Jet With One Flaming Engine.

Oh-- oh! Look at this! Jimmy Buffett.... my Jimmy Buffett, my Jimmy, part of the reason I reside in Florida, has just won "Vocal Event of the Year" for "It's Five o' Clock Somewhere," which he sang with Alan Jackson. Jimmy has never had a number one song. Jimmy has never even won an award for anything he's ever done, musically, and look at this! Both in the same year. "I'm glad I can do something to help your struggling career, Alan," he said before sauntering off with his new pirate swag. I love you, Jimmy.

Okay, there's a little bit of good and balance in the world now. I can go on. It's okay. I can--


Dr. Kevorkian, please email at

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