Friday, September 19, 2003

Hurricane He'sEngaged

I expected this, of course. He's been dating some girl he met in Korea, from whence he dumped me. They are both in the Air Force. Air Force, I do not hold this against you.

I feel punched. I feel kicked. I feel rejected all over again. I feel angry that I feel this way. Last night-- I swear to you, kids, last night-- I was thinking about the scar he left... visible, healed, part of the skin, a wound I no longer need to tend. I was glad that someone who tried but never quite accepted my passions in life and who yelled at strangers who cut in front of him in line was no longer a potential husband.

A few weeks ago I commented to AnaMaria that I do not miss being in love. I meant it then; I mean it now. I don't miss the vulnerability, the anxiety, the constant phone call analyzation. I like planning my life for me. I like the anticipation of wondering when my Lancelot will arrive. He'll get here when he gets here. It's the childish unfairness of it all, I guess-- that's what's stabbing at me right now. That he should enjoy the happy companionship of a soulmate when he has caused me so much pain.

I am the only cousin of seven who is not permenantly attached. Nobody says anything about it. Nobody has to.

Ahhhhhhhhh, damn it all anyway. This is what I get for using the IM on the work computer.

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