Thursday, September 25, 2003

Don't Let the Doorknob Hit You In the Assfeathers

I shall never be the same again: The Dixie Chicks have declared themselves no longer a country act, but a rock act. They felt slighted by the country community during the recent "We're ashamed to be from Texas" controversy. (They said this while on tour in a foreign country to promote an album entitled Home. Ahem.)

Mmmmm-hmmmm. The "controversy." There was no controversy: Their lead singer said something asinine and unpopular, everybody got mad, and their album sales dropped like a rock. The First Amendment was trotted out and climbed upon. Okay: You have the right to speak, but not the right to be heard or be relevant. That's something you've gotta earn. Or, you know, buy.

I viewed all this with amusement, as of course they have the right to say whatever they want to, just as the general public has the right to think them moronic and ungrateful and to no longer download their songs for free. I felt the same way when Michael Savage's TV show was yanked when he made horrendously insensitive remarks to a gay caller. Say what you please, Doctor, but kindly don't caterwaul when you suddenly find yourself on the sidewalk.

It's too bad. The Chicks were my favorite country group before they stepped in their own pellets, as I found their music authentic, melodic, and in general kickass. Now I can't listen to "Long Time Gone" without thinking of the three of them sobbing on a couch before Diane Sawyer, and I throw up in my mouth a little. It tends to detract from the whole listening experience.

Chicks, you have displeased the Fair Blonde Bitch. Some words of advice from a cowgirl raised in a real live suburban cul-de-sac: You're either country or you're not. It runs through your veins or it doesn't. You can't claw your way to Nashville in one genre, throw a tantrum because Toby Keith didn't pick you first to be on his kickball team, and suddenly decide to become rockers. (Shania Twain, I know you're trying to do this, but you don't belong in "country" OR "pop" designations. Your category is "slut.")

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