Most Recently

I was briefing some Kennedy Space Center guests on an upcoming mission once, and this guy said to me, "You are obviously an athlete!" (Seriously. Was it the cellulite, or was it the overt paleness? What, exactly, was the tipoff here?) He goes, "Which sport do you play?"

I told him I was a figure skater who missed the 1998 Winter Games by thiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much, having been railroaded by a corrupt judge of the damn-communist variety. He went away happy.

The day after that I told everybody that I had played of Seinfeld's girlfriends. "You don't remember me?" I said. "I was 'She Eats The Same Thing For Lunch Every Single Day.'" You can get away with this when your days are filled with people you will never see again.

As opposed to now, when I have passed the same damn cast of characters in the hallway 400 times by 8:09 and have to say "Hi!" or "It's Monday!" something equally scintillating EVERY SINGLE TIME. This sucks, as it involves 1) social contact with 2) other people. I think tomorrow I'm going to try spitting random phrases at people and just keep walking, things like, "I'm ovulating! How are you?"

This also might work well in an elevator. Yell it, sell it, face front.